bring the noyz

Recently, while'st cleaning out the detritus and debris that we all somehow gradually accumulate in our email inboxes, I came across one of those annoying chain email letters that I received years ago.

Now typically, my dear reader, I feel just about the same way about chain letters as I do about other such magical mystical mumbo jumbo, such as your horoscope from the daily paper, superstitious systems to win the lottery, chicken entrails, or organized religion.

(Marx was quite correct, "Religion is the opiate of the masses." As I have not read any of his writings since my days of youthful enthusiasm and liberal idealism at The University, I do not recall if he also went on to correctly conclude that it is also a placebo. But I digress. . . )

In this case, I was compelled to not click delete, and to allow it to slowly settle down to the bottom of my inbox and dormantly lie there. Why I have not yet deleted it will soon become clear.

Here is that email chain letter. I share it with you now, my dear reader, as a public service in order to help those in need:

Date: 1 Apr. 1997

Dear Friends,

My name is Warren Pratchett. In December 1996 my Plymouth needed major brake repair, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was getting no hours at my job at Chuck E. Cheese's. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my computer, my modem, and masturbation. I longed to turn my avocation into my vocation.

Today I get oral sex from beautiful women daily, and I haven't needed to masturbate in months.

I am currently siting in my home, receiving incredible sexual pleasure from a woman I have never met before this afternoon, and may never know the name of. I have more orgasms than Heidi Fliess client Charlie Sheen. Anyone can do the same. This amazing program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to receive oral sex whenever I wanted. Best of all you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or post office.

In October 1996, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could receive oral sex whenever I wanted. I was naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's funny though, when you are desperate, backed into a corner, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustrating day looking through the a copy of Penthouse Forum, masturbating. The stories were absurd at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my computer and sending e-mail to several of my friends. I read several of their replies and than glanced at the letter next to the computer. All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams. I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance this astonishing formula into the most unbelievable flow of oral pleasure that has ever been created. I substituted the names of many of my friends in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily uploaded to other Internet accounts throughout the world. If you believe that someday you deserve that lucky break that you have waited for all your life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your dreams will come true.

Sincerely yours,
Warren Pratchett

INSTRUCTIONS

Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have received more oral sex than God. This program has remained successful because of the HONESTY and INTEGRITY of the participants. Please continue its success by carefully ADHERING TO THE INSTRUCTIONS.

Welcome to the world of borderline prostitution! This little business is a little different than most whorehouses. Your services are not given for money, but done for the oral sex you will get in return!

1.IMMEDIATELY travel to the homes of the first 5 (five) names listed below starting at number 1 through number 5. When you arrive, simply give them oral sex.

2.REMOVE the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1 and number 3 will become number 2, etc.) Place your name, address and zip code in the number 10 position.

3.Send the new letter with your name in the number 10 position to ten (10) separate friends via postal mail or e-mail. Call the file, "Oral Pleasure can be yours... FREE!"

4.Within 60 days you will receive more orgasms than Tony Randall before the taping of episode #132 of "The Odd Couple". Keep a copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again whenever you need sex. As soon as you mail out these letters people will begin giving you oral sex, so that they can be assured of receiving it themselves in the future. This is a service. This is perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the postal lottery laws.

Remember as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation with oral sex, the likes of which were unimagined by even the mighty Hercules. Your name will move up the list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number five position you will be receiving so much oral sex, even porn star Ona Zee would blush!

1.Leeta Matheson
338 N.W.35th St.
Corvallis, OR 97330
USA

2.Richard S. Clancy
307 S. Division #4
Ann Arbor, MI 48104-2203
USA

3.Kimberly DePinto
560 Memorial Dr.
Westgate Apartments, #406
Cambridge, MA 02139
USA

4.Clark Westfield
1104 John F. Kennedy Boulevard
Bayonne, NJ 07002
USA

5.Jennifer Tew
45283 Sycamore Court
Utica, MI 48317
USA

6.Diane Loken
20 Brimwood Blvd., TH#29
Scarborough, ON M1V 1B7

7.Craig Shergold
1629 Oak Ave., 2nd FL
Evanston, IL 60201 USA

8.R. James McAllister
2160 Frederick St.
Concord, CA
94520

9.John K. Fisher
180 E. La Verne Ave #8
Pomona, CA 91767
USA

10.Maxine Newman
606 Lewis Avenue
Dayton, Ohio
USA

The following letters were written by participating members in this program.

To Whom It May Concern:

About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I ignored it. I received about five more of the same letter within the next two weeks. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to follow through and dreamed of constant, hours-long orgasm, but I was convinced it was just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a local bulletin board in Montreal. I liked the idea of
giving it a try with my computer. I didn't expect much because I figured, if other people were as skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick orally pleasure some 28 year old woman they have never before met. But, I give my life partner oral sex weekly in my province and have nothing to show for it but the occasional dinner and a movie. This week I decided to look at this as my weekly 'gift'. I went to these people's houses, and orally pleasured them each, as
directed. Two weeks went by and I didn't receive any oral sex. The fourth week rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened! People kept showing up at my door, and offering to go down upon me! For the first time in ten years, I was in sexual ecstasy! It was great. Of course, it didn't take me long to go through my 'earnings' so I am using this excellent opportunity once again.

Follow the instructions and get ready to enjoy.

Please send a copy of this letter along with the enclosed letter so together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really works!

Good Luck,
Charlene Karlotta
St Agathe Que.

Additional Notes:

This system works equally well for males and females. If you are heterosexual and don't wish to receive oral sex from a same-sexed person, or are homosexual and don't wish to receive oral sex from a different-sex person, simply tell them it is not necessary when they arrive, and continue, as before! It's just that simple!

Notice the date. Some things are too good to be true.
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