Tuesday, February 14, 2006
my valentine's day desire
As you are no doubt aware, my dear reader, The Wife's family hails from the Flatland and from the vast barren nothingness of West Texas. Folks out in that part of the world have a fervent devotion to President dubya. So great is their love for him, that dubya could probably fuck most of them in the ass, spin them around for a facial, and still most would gratefully relish the opportunity to lick their own shit off the presidential wang.
Seriously. It's almost that disgusting.
Complementing their love of dubya is an irrational hatred and equal fear of two people and the possibility of two events associated with these people.
1) Osama bin Laden and the next big terrorist attack
2) Hillary Clinton winning the White House.
While I do not believe my in-laws fall squarely into that camp, that is where they live and as such the majority of their views fall pretty much down the "Three G" party line: God, gridiron, and George W. Bush. The order of their devotion varies depending on the activity at hand.
As I have little belief or faith in any one of the three, I believe I am considered by most of my in-laws to be a kindhearted and likable heathen liberal hippie, probably doomed to Hell in the afterworld but a great guy in this one.
That somehow The Wife escaped being ingrained with such back-asswards thinking remains a blessing wrapped in a mystery.
This has lead to much good-natured taunting and teasing from both sides of the aisle at family gatherings. It is to that end, I sent the following email yesterday, "cc-ing" my in-laws as a courtesy for their horror and amusement.
__________
My darling Hillary,
My Love for you Burns with the Passion of Eternal Fire. Please, oh please, be mine.
Sadly, I realize my greatest desire may remain forever unfilled. You are already blessed with the good fortune to love and be loved by the handsome and charming William, a devoted husband, dedicated father, and Greatest President Ever.
If you cannot honor my humble request, then please, I beseech thee, grant me one small wish and continue your efforts to socialize our great nation's healthcare system so that I may seek treatment for my broken heart.
Devotedly yours,
- The Good Doctor Polymer Noyz
(an unwashed liberal hippie type)
|
Seriously. It's almost that disgusting.
Complementing their love of dubya is an irrational hatred and equal fear of two people and the possibility of two events associated with these people.
1) Osama bin Laden and the next big terrorist attack
2) Hillary Clinton winning the White House.
While I do not believe my in-laws fall squarely into that camp, that is where they live and as such the majority of their views fall pretty much down the "Three G" party line: God, gridiron, and George W. Bush. The order of their devotion varies depending on the activity at hand.
As I have little belief or faith in any one of the three, I believe I am considered by most of my in-laws to be a kindhearted and likable heathen liberal hippie, probably doomed to Hell in the afterworld but a great guy in this one.
That somehow The Wife escaped being ingrained with such back-asswards thinking remains a blessing wrapped in a mystery.
This has lead to much good-natured taunting and teasing from both sides of the aisle at family gatherings. It is to that end, I sent the following email yesterday, "cc-ing" my in-laws as a courtesy for their horror and amusement.
__________
My darling Hillary,
My Love for you Burns with the Passion of Eternal Fire. Please, oh please, be mine.
Sadly, I realize my greatest desire may remain forever unfilled. You are already blessed with the good fortune to love and be loved by the handsome and charming William, a devoted husband, dedicated father, and Greatest President Ever.
If you cannot honor my humble request, then please, I beseech thee, grant me one small wish and continue your efforts to socialize our great nation's healthcare system so that I may seek treatment for my broken heart.
Devotedly yours,
- The Good Doctor Polymer Noyz
(an unwashed liberal hippie type)
|
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